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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058109">No Blood on Anyone's Hands But My Own</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrollingKingfisher/pseuds/ScrollingKingfisher'>ScrollingKingfisher</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Major Character Undeath, Spoilers for episode 98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:00:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,571</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrollingKingfisher/pseuds/ScrollingKingfisher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The battle is over. They're all fine, sort of. Mostly. </p><p>Caleb and Caduceus have another conversation about revenge.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>No Blood on Anyone's Hands But My Own</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>Up, down.</p><p>Up, down.</p><p>Up, down.</p><p>On the bed in front of him, Fjord’s chest rises and falls with the same steady rhythm as the boat. Caleb sits by his side and counts the breaths.</p><p>It’s been nearly three hours now since the battle finished. Since Fjord died. Since Caleb had seen him fall from the mast illuminated from behind by a flash of lightning, since Beau had screamed loud enough to wake a kraken, since Caduceus had stood over his fallen body with uncharacteristic rage burning in his eyes and dark energy gathered around his staff to smite any who dared come near.</p><p>He hadn’t been down for long. Jester and Caduceus were moving before the last mutated body hit the deck. They had all gathered around with bated breath, Yasha and Nott leaning in over his shoulders as Caduceus shoved Caleb's hands off Fjord’s wounded chest so he could slam a diamond down on his sternum. </p><p>Caleb’s heart had felt like it was going to explode in his chest as he focused on Fjord’s slack face. Terrified that this might be it. Another friend lost.</p><p>But then Fjord had twitched, gasped in a rasping breath as his lungs inflated once more. They had all slumped. The relief had been palpable. And although Fjord hadn't woken up, he hadn't stopped breathing either. Stable for now. </p><p>They had stayed up long enough to heal everyone’s wounds and tersely agree on a watch schedule, but beyond that, everyone had fallen exhausted into their bunks. Caleb had agreed to the first watch. He knows he won’t be sleeping tonight anyway.</p><p>He leans back in his chair. Above him, the deck creaks as the Balleater crests a particularly large wave and slides into the next trough, setting the lantern swinging above him and sending its shuttered light dancing across the walls. It sets him on edge. He resists the urge to scratch at his arms, blowing out a long breath instead and going back to counting Fjord’s breaths to distract himself. The fight is long over, but the dirty dregs of adrenaline are still lacing his veins. It’s hard not to be paranoid. There’s still blood under his fingernails from his fruitless attempt to put pressure on Fjord’s wounds. He picks it out. </p><p>Up, down.</p><p>Up, down.</p><p>“Mister Caleb.”</p><p>Caleb jumps, knocking the chair to the floor with a clatter, and just barely holds in a scream. Caduceus stands in the doorway, his large pale form ghostly in the gloom. Caleb slumps, his heart rabbiting in his chest.</p><p>“Caduceus. Please, for the love of the Gods, knock before you come in.”</p><p>The shade of a smile flits across Caduceus’ face before vanishing as he glances down at Fjord’s unmoving form. Even with the commotion he hasn’t so much as twitched. “I'm sorry if I startled you.”</p><p>Caleb waves a tired hand at him and reaches down to set the chair back on its legs, sinking into it. “It’s nothing. Why are you in here? I know you’re tapped after healing us all, you should be sleeping.”</p><p>“I’m not tired.”</p><p>Caleb raises an eyebrow to let him know that he knows full well that this has nothing to do with lack of tiredness. But he lets it slide. It’s not Caduceus’ fault he can’t sleep. After all, if any of them know about being afraid to close their eyes for fear of seeing shades of the dead, it’s him. </p><p>“Okay, well, you can keep me company if you like. Fjord isn’t exactly a great conversationalist at the moment.”</p><p>Caduceus inclines his head in thanks and casts around for somewhere to sit. There’s only one chair so he ends up perched on the edge of Fjord’s bed, swaying slightly with the motion of the ship. They both watch Fjord’s slow breathing. Silence falls back over them.</p><p>“There’s something else, Caleb.” Caduceus’ voice is low and quiet, the rumble of his timbre only just audible under the ship’s sounds. “I’ve been thinking. I believe I owe you an apology.”</p><p>“What for?”</p><p>“For what I said earlier. About seeking revenge.”</p><p>Caleb turns to look at him, properly this time. His tall frame is slumped, ears drooping, eyes still fixed on Fjord. He looks tired.</p><p>“When we spoke about it before. I was maybe… talking from a place of ignorance. None of my problems have ever really had any sort of blame allotted to them. It was all nature, or chance. The blight on the Saveleirwood is awful, sure, but as far as I know nobody is alive who’s responsible. Nobody came to kidnap my family away from me. The bull that turned my family to stone was an unnatural beast, and I could kill it with righteous lack of remorse. And so I have  never really had to come to terms with any of my problems being the result of someone else’s deliberate actions. But tonight…”</p><p>He trails off, and Caleb catches the shadow of something dark passing behind his eyes. A shade of the rage that had sprung into life as Fjord fell, as the fish-creature had let out its victory shriek. </p><p>“That… that <em> thing </em> killed Fjord. And I. I was so <em> angry </em>, Caleb. I’ve never felt anger like that before. It was like a living thing in my chest. Fjord was dead because someone else had decided to kill him.” His voice rises in agitation. “He didn’t have to die! They came into his cabin and tried to kill him as he slept! And I wasn’t going to let it get away! They were going to pay for what they had done! Nobody kills my friends.” The last part is almost a snarl. </p><p>Fjord twitches and both of their eyes snap down to look at him. His face pinches for a second, the tip of one tusk peeking out from his bottom lip, but then his expression smooths back over. His breathing evens out. They both relax. </p><p>Caduceus sighs, shoulders slumping, and looks back at him. “I’m sorry. Anyway, I came to apologise, and say that I think I understand your perspective on revenge a little better now. Why you want him dead for what he did to you."</p><p>Caleb shrugs, avoiding his eyes. “Ya, well, you were not entirely wrong. It’s the outcome we should be focusing on, not the revenge itself. If I could walk up to Trent and just turn him to dust, poof,” He mimes an explosion, “would all my troubles suddenly be gone? No. Never. I mean sure, it would feel good for a minute, I think. Powerful. For a second or two. But thinking that revenge would heal all the ways he twisted me up inside? That would be stupid too." He pauses. "Did killing those things make you feel better?”</p><p>Caduceus grimaces a little. “It was satisfying, for a second. But it didn’t bring him back. I did that.”</p><p>Caleb nods. “Sometimes, if we cannot trust anyone else to do the job, then people have to die to ensure it never happens to anyone else.” He looks up, meeting Caduceus’ gaze. “But you got me thinking, and you were right. You were <em> right </em>. If we lose sight of why we’re doing it, we will just end up killing, and killing, and killing, chasing after the next person who wrongs us for one moment of feeling in control. Preventing harm happening to anyone else should be our priority, by whatever means possible.” He thinks of the scourger in the cell in Xhorhas. More children, fed into the meat grinder. “If for a second I thought that there was a way to contain Trent, I would do that. I would rather there be no blood on anyone’s hands but my own. But I know him. I know what he’s done. He’s too dangerous to leave in the world. And if I turn my back, there will be more children like me, on and on forever. And I can’t let that happen. But I will not do it at the expense of the rest of the world, either, so I will need to do it carefully.”</p><p>Caduceus gazes at him in that piercing way of his. Like he’s looking into his soul. “You have put a lot of thought into this.”</p><p>Caleb gives him a smile without any amusement in it, glancing briefly down at Fjord. “Of course I have. When those you love are killed, it tends to occupy your mind.”</p><p>Caduceus stares at him intently, the cogs of his brain visibly clicking. “Caleb. Forgive me for asking, but who did Trent-”</p><p>Thankfully, Fjord chooses that second to come to with a noisy gasp and immediately starts hacking up a lung, and Caduceus is conveniently distracted.</p><p>“Huh? Wa’zzit? What happened?” He looks down, wincing, as Caduceus leans over him and takes his pulse, checking over his freshly-healed chest. “What happened?”</p><p>“Nothing to worry about,” Caduceus tries to convince him, undermined by the way even Caleb can see his fingers shaking. “Nothing permanent, anyway. </p><p>Fjord squints up at him. “Did I die? Wait. We were… the fish people! I’ve gotta-!” His eyes fly fully open and he tries to struggle upright, only to groan as he’s pushed back onto the bed by two sets of hands.</p><p>“Don’t worry, Fjord. It was taken care of.” Caleb watches as Caduceus’ expression resolves into steely determination. “And it won’t be happening again. Not to anyone.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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